Cold Turkey
by kookielawlyuki
Summary: Maybe he took it took far this time? Or maybe Izaya did. Who's to blame? Why does it even matter? Will they be able to go back to the way things used to be? Yaoi. Shizaya. Rated M for later chapters, cursing and light violence.
1. Prologue

**A/N: Sooo i randomly got an idea and started writing and I guess it's going pretty good. This is basically just a prologue and I wanted to see how well it did before I continue writing more. I hope no one else had this idea.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara! nor any of its characters. **

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"Oi!" the sudden outburst startled me, making my eyes open, slightly, but still open enough to satisfy him apparently, "keep your eyes open you damned flea!" I couldn't help but chuckled slightly at this idiot. Why was he trying so hard? Why didn't he just leave me there in that pile of rubble? I coughed from laughing, feeling a stabbing pain in my lungs and winced. The jigging up and down while Shizuo ran wasn't helping.

"Oi! Say something!" But I couldn't. Everything hurt. Normally I could walk away from our unscheduled play dates as if I was completely fine, but this time I took it too far, pissed Shizu-chan off to the nth degree, pushed all of the _extra_ wrong buttons instead of just the wrong ones like normal and wasn't fast enough to dodge the consequences. But this? This was more than unusual. This idiot was actually trying to _help me_, keep me alive, when normally all he wanted was for me keel over by his own hands.

I took in as much breath as I could without causing too much pain and looked up at his determined face. His purple shades had long since flown off, probably when he threw the first vending machine at me. In between baring his teeth and taking in breaths he cursed randomly and yelled at people to move out of the way. I couldn't imagine the look on the local Ikeburkuro's faces. 'Shizuo running about with Izaya bridal style?' I think that image pained me more than the, possibly, broken ribs, maybe even punctured lung and any other injuries. Ugh. Everything hurt.

"Oi! Almost there. J-just hold on damnit!" We came to a sudden halt and the action made me wince. We were in a building, an extremely familiar one. I heard a whir and a few dinging sounds before—"Fuck!" and we were off again, the jigging was more violent and Shizu-chan's breaths and steps were echoing everywhere. "Almost there, almost there… almost there..." he said over and over despite being out of breath.

"Don't die on me damnit!"

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	2. Intrusive Thoughts

**A/N: I got a lot of good responses from the prologue so here is the first chapter :D I hope this is one fanfic I can stick with because I really like where its going. Thanks to everyone who read, reviewed and followed!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara! nor any of its characters.**

**Warning: Yaoi in later chapters. That means BOYXBOY SEXUAL CONTENT.**

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I took another long drag from my cigarette, hoping the nicotine would pick me up and lift me from everything that was happening right now, just take me from this whole day. But it didn't. I was slammed back into reality when I heard the door slide open and close again. The silence gave away exactly who it was so I didn't even have to look. I continued staring ahead over the constantly busy streets of Ikebukuro and took another drag. Blowing out a puff of smoke I turned my head just in time to come face to face with the dullahan's phone screen.

"You can stay over if you'd like." It was just like her to not ask questions; Shinra probably blabbed everything to her as soon as she came back from whatever business she was handling for the past few hours.

**_FLASHBACK_**

_"So… let me get this straight," Shinra said scrubbing his hand for what seemed like the tenth time, "Izaya said something about Kasuka and you got SO angry that you trapped him in a convenience store, smashed all of the support beams and collapsed it on top of him."_

_I couldn't even look at the doctor. I was currently slumped over his table with my hands over my eyes and fingers grabbing my hair._

_ The scene of the building crashing down replayed in my mind. The flea's face went from smug to horrified as he looked up. The frame of the building snapped and buckled under the weight of the second floor and collapsed. I jumped out of the way easily enough since I was close to the door but the damned flea was right in the middle, there would be no way he could make it out in time even if he tried. After the smoke cleared, I was prepared to dodge a flying knife or even a fist, but nothing came. I looked around for his fleeting body just in case he did make it out somehow but his stupid fur trimmed ass was nowhere to be found. Nowhere but lifelessly under the rubble, his ringed fingers the only thing sticking out. _

_The woman from the bakery who always gave me milk in middle school flashed in my mind. She'd been a victim of my over reaction when I was younger and now Izaya was one. I panicked, running over to him, dropping to my knees and frantically throwing anything I could get my hands on off of the flea. I lifted a rather large piece of cement from his chest and his eyes squinted together and he groaned. I stared at him. Chest rising and falling all too quickly, blood gushing from his mouth. His arm didn't look right. He sputtered up blood again and I didn't stare anymore; I had to get him somewhere, somewhere fast. I picked him up despite his cry of pain and took off in the direction of Shinra's apartment._

_Here I am, countless hours later after Shinra operated on him sitting pathetically at his table while he went down the list of everything that I'd broken. A concussion, a fractured a leg, three broken ribs, one of them puncturing his left lung and collapsing it, a broken collarbone, a dislocated shoulder and a litter of cuts and deep bruises._

_"I'm glad you brought him here and he's going to be fine thanks to my superb medical skills but… why?" I looked up at him now standing opposite of me, his hands flat on the table. "I would think it was the end of the world before Heiwajima Shizuo broke down my door to save a dying Orihara Izaya. Haha!"_

_"I KNOW. Damnit. I know…" Shinra had a taken a few steps back, a nervous smile on his face. I paused for a second staring wide-eyed up at him when realization dawned on me. I would have thought nothing of the action in the past, but now it angered me. My own friends were terrified of me—all of Ikebukuro was terrified of me. I placed a hand over my eyes and took a deep breath._

_"Shizu—" _

_"Don't." I stood up from the table and headed over to the sliding glass doors leading to the patio, grabbing my cigarettes from my pocket._

**_END FLASHBACK_**

I was brought back to reality when the dullahan placed a hand on my shoulder, her phone screen reading 'Shizuo?' which I knew was a worried one even if she couldn't talk. Clearing my throat, I stubbed out my cigarette and flicked over the railing with the rest of them.

"No. I don't need to stay. I should be getting home in fact." I turned to leave but she was suddenly in front of me before I could even place a hand on the door handle.

She turned her phone to me after typing for a second, "don't blame yourself, Shizuo." I chuckled humorlessly.

"Who's blaming themselves?" Celty's shoulders slumped in defeat. "I'll see you around." She stepped to the side and I walked back into the house, Celty following close behind. Shinra was walking by with a steaming mug, humming something random but stopped once he saw us come in.

"Ah—Are you staying over Shizuo? Let's have a slumber party!" I didn't answer, just grabbed my bloodied bartender vest and headed for the door. "You're leaving?" his voice changed from chipper to serous "come back tomorrow, okay? He won't be awake and you can see how he's doing." I paused for a second and took a deep breath before muttering, "yeah, okay."

It was like my senses were heightened as I walked home. Every little whisper was like a stab. People were staring, staring more than usual; probably talking amongst themselves about everything that happened earlier. There was no avoiding it, all of 'Bukuro saw the whole thing. Normally, their whispers would piss me off but something in me was telling me, 'no, Shizuo, you're going to lose control again,' and I just ignored it and walked faster.

I was finally in my apartment. Finally home, away from the whispers, away from people I could hurt, away from _everything_. The silence was relieving and I didn't bother switching on the lights as I made my way over to the futon I never bother putting away, using the blueprint in my mind to dodge everything I had lying around the floor. I tossed the bloodied vest on the floor with the rest of the crap and also my white button down shirt since it had blood on it as well and flopped down on the futon, smashing my face into the pillow.

I would go to Shinra's tomorrow, make sure the flea's doing okay and then leave. This was simple. If I couldn't do something so simple, something was seriously wrong with me.

I was ringing Shinra's door bell when my palms started sweating and an ocean of butterflies took flight in my stomach. Butterflies? What the fuck was wrong with me?

"Shizuo! I knew you would come!" Shinra's cheerful voice was too much this early in the morning. It turned out I couldn't sleep nearly at all and gave up around six in the morning when I knew there was no use even trying anymore since the sun was coming up.

"Whatever…" I adjusted my glasses out of habit, "let me just see the idiot and leave." Shinra lead me through his Celty-less apartment and down the hallway and into a room that was similar to a hospital's just more home like. I took in a deep breath and my eyes fell on the flea's lifeless looking body.

_He's alive, you know this, calm down._

"He's doing fine, everything is normal. I had to give him a little blood from some blood lose but other than that, he should wake up in a few days or so."

He looked terrible. His skin was unnaturally pale, what I could see of his body was covered in band-aids and purple and yellow splotches. There were IV's hooked up to his good arm, a sling on the other and a breathing mask over his face. I couldn't do anything but stare at him and feel miserable.

_I_ did this.

If it were any other thug or random gang member, I would have felt nothing but this… I almost _killed_ him. I completely lost control and hurt him so badly. And for what? Because he said something about how Kasuka wouldn't like me throwing road signs at him? I pushed it too far this time. Izaya could take vending machine blows but a whole two-story building? How could I do—

"Shizuo." Shinra's hand on my shoulder started me out of my self-loathing. I was rattling all over, my fists clenched at my sides and my teeth bared.

"I have to go." I said turning quickly to leave.

"…you're not going to even apologize? Ne… Shizu-chan?" I paused in my tracks, my body instantly breaking out in a cold sweat. I turned my head slowly, my wide eyes locking onto clouded red ones.

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	3. Instigation

**A/N: So! Here's chapter two. I'll be starting a new job this week and won't have as much free time as I have now so I don't know if I'm going to be able to update as quickly, but I'll try. Thanks everyone for reading this far! Getting e-mails that someone followed or fav'd or reviewed makes me hella happy :3 You guys are awesome!**

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"You're not supposed to be awake for DAYS!" Shinra said running over to me, pulling out a small flash light and shining it in my eye. I screwed my eyes shut and turned my head away. I opened them again to see Shizuo still standing there across the room now half turned towards me, his ochre eyes filled with something I'd never seen before. I pushed a fascinated Shinra away from checking random parts on my body and used my good arm to help push myself up into a sitting position. "Izaya—you're gonna—here let me…" Shinra took hold of my upper arm and helped me up. It was painful but I couldn't show that in front of Shinra, I wanted to go home as soon as possible; and especially not in front of Shizuo, he didn't deserve to see me at such a low point (even if I was half dead yesterday). "I could have just let the bed up for you ya know…" Shinra muttered going back to checking my body parts. "You really shouldn't be sitting up, or even awake for that matter!"

I was barely paying attention to what he was saying, everything was sort of spinning and select parts of my body felt cold or numb. Damn morphine, I hated not being in one hundred percent control of my mind and body; I had some trouble focusing on Shizuo.

"Like I was said," I hated the way my voice sounded, gravely like I had a bunch of sand in my throat, and muffled from the oxygen mask, so I ripped it off, causing Shinra to make a pained sound, "are you not going to apologize Shizu-chan?" I watched his face turn something I couldn't quite pin-point to completely expressionless as he pushed his shades up and turned completely towards me.

"…I have nothing to say to you, flea." It was barely audible, _barely_, but I heard it.

"Is that so Shizu-chan? I would be laughing right now if I could breathe properly." A smile broke out across my face as I watched him cringe. Awh, does he feel bad for me? Or maybe he felt guilty? Why was he even here in the first place? That was one I couldn't figure out myself so might as well ask him while he's standing right before me! "Why are you here Shizu-chan hmm? Do you feel bad for me? Or do you feel guilty for doing this in the first place? You say you _'hate violence'_ but then you go and do this to me… I'm not the only one you've hurt, right, Shizu-chan?"

I slowly watched him go from expressionless to seething. That something finally snapped in him that I've seen _so_ many times after I'd mentioned to bakery woman and he advanced toward me. Curse these drugs for making me over confident, but then Shinra was suddenly in between us, his hands held up.

"Nonononono! Please Shizuo! Don't you think you've done enough damage?!" His wild yellow eyes were still locked with mine over the four-eyed doctor's shoulder, his teeth bared and fist clenching and un-clenching at his sides.

"Che!" he turned suddenly and kicked the flower pot off a nearby end table, sending it flying and smashing into the wall next to the door. He heaved heavily for a second but then straightened up and walked out. Shinra nearly fainted with relief once he heard the front door slam.

"Well… that was fun." I said, disliking the awkward silence. Shinra spun around to me, his usually cheerful demeanor turned serious and frustrated.

"_Fun_, Izaya?! He was going to kill you! What if I'd left you two alone? You'd be dead for sure!" he exasperatedly grabbed his hair, swinging his head from side to side. "You're seriously a glutton for punishment."

"Maybe so… It's the morphine making me do these things, I swear!" I half joked but the doctor wasn't buying it. He sighed and walked over to the IV pole muttering something about knocking me out for a few hours.

"He was here to make sure you were doing okay, you know?"

"Ha!—" was the only thing I got out before a fit of burning coughs attacked me. Shinra grabbed a small pail and placed it under my chin as I spat out saliva and blood. I took a few calming breaths before continuing, "you're kidding me." He shook his head looking sadly off to the side.

"After I operated on you, and told him everything that was wrong, he sat at my table looking more miserable than when he did all those years ago after the bakery accident… He really feels bad.

"I'll believe that when I see it." I was being stubborn, I knew it, but something about Shiu-chan actually giving a damn about me was completely unbelievable and with good reason. Shinra sighed in defeat but suddenly brightened up when he heard the door open again.

"Celty!~ Is that you my dear?!" And he was running off to greet her, completely overlooking the broken flower pot on the floor

I sighed and stared off out of the window at Ikebukuro. The sun had fully come up now and just the sight of it upset me. I was trapped in this hell hole for however long Shinra decided to keep me here; that, or until my leg healed enough for me to walk out myself, which would probably take some fighting-off-Shinra to do and I only had one good enough arm to do that. I looked down at the table next to me where there was a clip board. I knew it had every single injury written somewhere in the many pages but I could just about feel everything that was broken and I really didn't want to know anyway.

Ugh. I just wanted out of here. I had information to collect and people 's lives to poke fun at. Oh, did that make me smile.

There was a light rapping on the door and I turned my head to see Celty standing there, helmet still on as if I didn't know there was nothing inside of it.

"Oh please, do come in." I said sarcastically. Either she was ignoring me or my sarcasm flew right over her lack of head because she came right in, typing quickly on her phone.

"How do you feel?" I had to squint to read the letters since they were blurring and jumping all over the place.

"Like I've pissed Shizu-chan off and got a two story building collapsed on top of me." I gave her a huge grin. She shook her non-existent head and turned her phone back to me after typing again.

"Are you high?" The question was so straight forward, even for the dullahan that I could have laughed if I didn't die of coughing from doing so.

"Probably. I think your boyfriend there upped my dosage while I wasn't looking." She tensed at the word 'boyfriend' and ferociously typed something and placed the screen right in front of my face, making me go cross-eyed to try to read it.

"Shinra is NOT my BOYFRIEND!" She was so predictable.

"Sure, sure, whatever you say, Celty."

"Did Shizuo come?" I smiled smugly up at her, sitting back against the bed that Shinra had reclined for me. "What did you do?" she thrust the phone is my face when I didn't answer.

"**_I_** didn't do anything. But to answer your question, yes, he came… and went; viciously so."

"So you made him angry again." It wasn't a question, so I didn't answer. She turned to leave, probably, no, definitely to go after Shizuo without saying anything else.

"Ah—Celty? You're leaving me _again_?!" I heard Shinra cry from the other room. "But you just got baaacck." _Whack_. Shinra came back in the room a few seconds later looking like a sad puppy with a broom and a dust pan and swept up the broken flower pot and soil. After that, he only came back every few hours to check my vitals and to try to get me to eat or drink something, which I did just to try to further his trust in me that I could do things by myself so I could go home as son as possible.

I was currently in the middle of something huge and needed to get back home to work on it.

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**Thanks for reading! Please review!**


	4. Irresolute

**A/N: AUGH. Hi guys. I've been super tired since I started my new job. I wish I could update everyday like I wanted to but I cannn't. Sorry it took so long, but here is Chapter 3. I'm not very happy with I but I really don't know how I could change it to like it as much as I love my other chapters :[ but I hope you guys like it! Chapter 4 is gonna be pretty awesome I foresee so please give me a little while to get it out _ sorry guys, hope you like it, okay I'll shut up now. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara! nor any of its characters.**

**Warning: Yaoi in later chapters. That means BOYXBOY SEXUAL CONTENT.**

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I felt a little better since leaving Shinra's once Celty came out of nowhere on her bike to meet up with me. She led me to a park where we've been sitting and talking for about an hour now. I'd realized that it was easier to talk about things instead of trying to figure it all out on my own and Celty was a good friend, I trusted her enough to basically dump everything I had in head on top of her.

But now, I was out of cigarettes.

_Stay calm, Shizuo, stay calm_.

"Do you want to go get some more?" Celty was leaning down with her phone extended in front of my face. She always had the right answers, being friends with her was probably the best thing for me right now.

"Yea, I guess…" She stood up and headed for her bike, hopping on and patting the back part of the seat signaling me to hop on also. I did so without hesitation; riding with the dullahan was exciting, going at high speeds throughout the city, taking turns while barely slowing down at all. It was something _familiar_ that I could use right now in this mist of conflicting emotions and feelings.

Once we'd reached the store I normally go to get cigarettes, I hopped off nearly breathless like I'd run all the way here and not ridden, the exhilaration making me tingle everywhere. Celty pulled out her phone and typed something before turning it to me.

"You had more fun than normal."

"Yea, I needed that." Her helmet sort of tilted to the side in a mock-smile. It was amazing how much she could convey without a head. "Anyway, like I was saying…" but the feeling was only fleeting as the topic of the conversation was still on the flea, "I want to… make it up to him somehow but…" I pushed my glasses up as the doors slid open for us; I really didn't know what to do.

There was no 'talking' the Izaya. We weren't _friends_ or even acquaintances; we were enemies. We've been enemies since we met in high school and that was about six years ago. Making up for almost killing someone that you wanted dead was un-heard of. I sighed and handed the cashier the money for the cigarettes and grabbed the pack off of the counter and turned to leave the store. The sooner I could get outside and smoke, the better.

Celty was staring at her phone with her hand held up to it like she was going to type something but couldn't figure out how to do it.

"What is it?" I decided to ask, pulling her over to the side of the door so I could grab a smoke before we went anywhere else.

Just lighting one up made me feel relaxed already. Once lit, I took a long drag and blew it out, tilting my head up and closing my eyes as the nicotine did its magic. When I looked back to Celty she was still staring at her phone. I leaned over her shoulder and read what little she'd typed on the screen. It read 'maybe you could help Izaya with'

"With what?" She jumped and moved over a little, pressing her phone to her chest, hiding the screen from me and vigorously shook her helmet; that was a 'nonono never mind!' but there was no way she was going to just stop at that. Whatever idea she had, insane or not, was better than nothing, which was what I currently had. "What does he need help with?" She stood for a second, the phone still pressed to her chest, deciding if she continue but did it anyway. She quickly typed the rest of her sentence and turned the phone to me.

"Maybe you could help Izaya with physical therapy?" My eyebrows raised in surprise. That was something that never crossed my mind. He _did_ have a broken leg and would need help to walk again, he also would need help with other things to get back to his normal self.

I took another drag from my half forgotten cigarette as I thought it over.

This could work.

Provided that he'd even let me get near him… he clearly hates me by the way he treated me when I visited him. He wasn't trying to be nice and I knew he wasn't going to be. But if I could get past his cold treatment and he could get past… well, being around me, then this could work.

I took another drag from my cigarette and blew it out before turning to Celty.

"Not a good idea?" read her phone screen.

"Not a _bad_ idea." I answered, finishing my cigarette and stubbing it out on the ground with the ball of my shoe. "Though… maybe I'll try to talk to him tomorrow. He's had enough of me today." I stepped out from underneath the awning of the shop and turned to face her. "Thanks for helping me out. I'll see you around." I pushed up my shades and turned to leave but was stopped by the headless rider stepping in front of me.

"Where are you going now?" her screen asked.

"Dunno… maybe I'll just go home… or do some work for Tom to get my mind off of things until I actually go and talk to the damned flea."

"Ok. Be safe, Shizuo."

"Haha. Maybe I will this time." I gave her the best smile I could muster which I guess wasn't half bad since she playfully punched me in the arm. "See you around, Celty." She nodded and waved, seeming happy as little bits of black wisps wafted out of her helmet. I turned and walked away feeling better than I felt in the last two days. Maybe things were going to get better from now on. Maybe, just maybe.

Tom turned out to need help making his last round to collect debt from a middle aged man who didn't know how serious the Yakuza was when they said they wanted their money back by x date. This was great, familiar. I would go and help, listen to the man blabber about his life problems, watch Tom sigh in frustration from not getting any money, yet again, maybe see some crying and then leave. Easy.

Tom and I were walking down a rather dark alley when he started going over the man's information and back ground. "Okay Shizuo, this guy got hit by a car and didn't have enough money for the hospital bills so decided to barrow from this man of whom I can't name. He is still disabled so there won't be any need to rough him up, yelling is fine but physical contact won't be necessary, okay?"

I couldn't even look at him. I _knew_ he knew what I'd done to Izaya and he just didn't want me going around injuring people he needed to collect money from, I understood that, but he didn't have to beat around the bush about it. Tom is a good friend, he is also my (kind of) employer but we've known each other for a long time. He normally said what needed to be said and was done with it, but it seemed like he didn't even want to bring up the fact that I'd almost killed someone. I suppressed a shiver at the thought of it.

"Yeah, okay." A hand placed on my shoulder forced me to look at him and when I did, he looked concerned.

"I'm here for you Shizuo. We've been friends since grade school, you can talk to me if you want."

"…thanks." I swear it was like I wore my heart on my sleeve or something, everyone was reading me a bit too well.

"Anyway, we're just going to talk to him maybe get some cash and be on our way."

The man, apparently named 'Michu', was currently hiding behind his cracked door, whining about needing more time though Tom gives a minimum of two months to start payments and the guy hadn't even show his face or given a call saying he wouldn't be able to start making payments.

"P-please I just need more time! What if I get hit again? Someone is out to get me! Well… actually someone who looks like me but—p-please! I need more time!" He was talking to Tom but his eyes would travel over to me every so often but then flicker back to him once he realized I was staring him. He was pissing me off, whining with his tail between his legs when all he had to do was make a call. What did he mean 'someone who looks likes him'? Tom was a reasonable man; he didn't deserve to be taken advantage of. Tom really didn't care about personal matters anyway, he just wanted t collect the money, return it to whomever it was borrowed from and be on his way. But, of course, there were times when people didn't have the money and Tom had to go to Yakuza bosses empty handed.

Tom sighed in frustration, pushing his glasses back into place, he was used to it though, the whole not-getting-money-when-it's-due thing; I didn't even know why he still ran the agency.

"Fine, fine," he put on a serious face and pointed at Michu, making him flinch, "I'm giving you until this day next month. If you don't have your first payment by then…" Tom only had to glance at me before the man went on whining saying he was sorry and that he would have the money, he _promised_ and slammed the door shut. "Haah… I'm too nice…" Tom mumbled starting to walk away. I followed, my miniscule good mood now crushed. Normally, people being afraid of me didn't affect me in the slightest, sometimes it was even funny but now I didn't like it one bit. The rush of feeling powerful wasn't good anymore, it left me feeling sick.

People were _afraid_ of me, and that didn't dawn on me until just now.

"Well, another day wasted trying to collect money. Wanna grab a milkshake, my treat?" Any other day, a milkshake would sound like heaven but now…

"I gonna go home. See you later, Tom."

"Oh? Hey —wait a minute Shi—" but I was gone already. He was probably used to that too, me just walking off without another word, but I needed to think.

I couldn't do this anymore. I didn't want to be the bane of people's fear anymore, not if it made me feel like this. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my cigarettes, simultaneously pulling out my lighter from my other pocket and lighting one up. I needed to change my image… or maybe change myself completely. But convincing a whole city that I wasn't going to kill them if they looked at me wrong wasn't going to be easy.

"Ah, Shizuo! Why the long face? Come eat good sushi, good sushi makes life happy!" That familiar booming, broken Japanese voice was the last thing I wanted to hear right now. "Come now, Shizuo. Great lunch specials just for you." I was just about to walk past the Russian, ignoring him like I, and all of Ikebukuro, usually did but a huge dark hand grabbing my shoulder stopped me in my tracks. "It will be okay, Shizuo. Believe in yourself." We shared a long meaningful stare before I muttered a 'thanks', even though I didn't understand half of what Simon was saying, and carried on walking home.

Heh, 'believe in myself'. He had the weirdest advice at the wrong times or maybe I was being an open book again.

I took a long drag from my cigarette, stopping on an overpass to look over the city only a block or so from my apartment. After exhaling I looked down at the cancer stick, thinking that I could possibly take this whole changing thing even further.

HA! Who am I kidding? I'd have more motivation to calm my temper down than to quit smoking. I stubbed out the cigarette on the railing and trudged the rest of the way home.

It was only about four in the afternoon, much too early to go to sleep but I couldn't bring myself to care at the moment. The combination of today's earlier events, lack of sleep and _emotions_ exhausted me and I just wanted to lie down, I didn't care if I fell asleep early. Much like yesterday, I tossed my vest and button down on the floor with the rest of crap and collapsed onto my futon with my pants still on. I sighed into my pillow and forced myself to clear my mind, all things pertaining to Izaya could be dealt with tomorrow.

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**aufhihfg ok bye!**


	5. Incentive

**__****A/N: Hey guys, here's the next chapter. I really have much to say besides thanks for hanging on and being so patient. You guys rock! Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Durarara! nor any of its characters.**

**Warning: Yaoi in later chapters. That means BOYXBOY SEXUAL CONTENT.**

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_Almost there._ Sweat dripped down my face as I forced myself to take continue, my nails scrapping against the wall for some sort of leverage. I dragged my broken leg forward and used my good leg to hop along the hallway wall. Normally Shinra or Celty would help me, but they were out and were going to be for a few hours, so that left me alone to hobble like a cripple to relieve myself. My main focus was _not falling_. If I landed on either side, I was screwed; one side having broken ribs and the other a messed up shoulder. I couldn't use a crutch because the arm I needed to put it under was currently in a sling. Shinra had given me a pretty high dosage of Morphine before he left so it probably wouldn't hurt _too_ much if I did fall, but then again it was making everything spin at the same time.

I sighed in frustration, glaring at the bathroom door as if it was its fault for being so far away. I didn't even want to think about 'faults' right now. I was still arguing with myself over whether or not it was my fault I was in this situation or if it was the huge monster's fault.

Probably mine. Kasuka was sensitive subject, I knew that so why—

Thinking about the idiot made me lose my concentration just enough that I nearly lost my footing, but I reached out quick enough for a randomly placed table and caught myself in time before it was completely over. I took a few (still short) calming breaths before straightening up and grabbing the wall with more determination than I had before.

_I can do this alone_, I told myself. If I couldn't, I would never get out of here and be able to go back to my own apartment… I was half way there, just a little further. I took another hop and dragged my leg along, stopped to take a few breaths and hopped again. _Good, this is good. Almost there._ Another hop and—

My leg gave out. I was falling. The door to the bathroom tipped sideways as my life seemed to flash before my eyes, my twin sisters, Namie's stupid sweater, all the gang members I'd come in counter with, my apartment, _Shizuo_. A screwed my eyes shut, waiting for the pain, the echo of my body hitting the ground—_something,_ but nothing came. I wondered for a second if I died a painless death but suddenly, I was upright, being held up by my good arm.

_No._

I opened my screwed shut eyes and looked up and to my right.

_Not him, anyone but him._

But it was, stupid purple shades, set frown, blond hair and all, standing six-foot-whatever the hell next to me, holding me up. He just _stood_ there, like he was waiting for me to make the next move, say the next thing and normally I would but… things weren't _normal_. So I just stared back, mainly to see what his reaction would be.

"Are you ok?" was his response and I raised my eyebrows in surprise, a small amused smile forming on my face. He let go of my arm and pushed up his shades, even though they hadn't slipped down his nose at all; and there was obviously no sun inside. "Don't answer that." He said dropping his hand to his side, looking down the hall way. "Are you trying to go to the bathroom?" His voice was low and grumbly like he was forcing himself to say each individual word to me.

"Yes, Shizu-chan. You're welcome to watch me struggle and possibly piss on myself trying to make it there. How long were you standing there anyway?" I said trying to get something out of him—Shinra was right, I truly was a glutton for punishment—but the only thing I managed was a mumbled 'long enough' and a glare before he grabbed my arm and practically lifted me off the ground and brought me to the bathroom, letting me down gently right in front of the toilet.

"Did you want me to aim your dick for you too?" he asked bitterly, standing there as if he were actually waiting for my reply. I cracked a huge grin and waved him off, watching him roll his eyes and saunter out of the bathroom before slamming the door behind him. I stood for a second, staring down at the toilet as embarrassment finally washed over me; he wasn't supposed to see me like that.

"… Oi… flea." His muffled voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Do you really want to have a conversation with me while I take a piss?" I asked, pulling my gown aside to handle my business.

"Would you just listen for one second." Since his voice was muffled, I couldn't read it very well but I knew that that wasn't a question. So I shut my mouth and waited, the sound of me peeing the only sound being heard before his muffle voice said, "I want to help you get better."

I was at complete loss as I flushed and hopped over to the sink to wash my hands, not even bothering to look up at myself in the mirror. I couldn't think of anything to say even after I'd finished so I opened the door and faced him, watching him stand there, leaning against the wall with his legs crossed, one arm wrapped around his torso, holding his side and the other raised, his hand up to his face, frozen in the motion of pushing up his shades.

'Help me get better'? Why? How? Did he have magic healing powers that would make me better at the snap of his fingers? Of course not; Shizuo was incredible, to an extent, but he wasn't _that_ good. Maybe… he really did feel guilty for putting me in this situation. But why? He should have just left in that pile to die a painful death. I was the source of all his annoyance and anger so why would he pass up the opportunity to have me gone forever? Of course I didn't want to die, but why didn't _he_ want me to? I would never understand what goes on in that idiotic head of his.

"I've been thinking…"

"Oh, that's dangerous."

"I did this to you so… I should be the one to make you okay again. I want to try to…make it up to you I guess…" His voice was grumbly again and he wasn't even looking at me, he was obviously embarrassed. But—my eyes widened in realization. _This is perfect!_

"Hmm… how about you help me to my bed and we can talk about this more. Ne, Shizu-chan?" I held out my arm and he glanced up at me unhappily and all but picked me up again, towing me to my bed.

He let me down gently again, which I couldn't believe, next to the bed and stepped away from me, grabbing a nearby chair and spun it around on one leg so that I was facing the wrong way and sat backwards on it. I always thought it was stupid when people did that but the only word that came to mind when Shizu-chan did it was… _cute_. I frowned, berating myself for even having such a thought.

"How did you even get in here?" I asked, letting myself down slowly onto the bed.

"I figured Shinra was naïve enough to do the 'key-under-the-welcome-mat' thing and I was right so I just let myself in. I thought they would be here but then…" I raised my eyebrows, anticipating the rest of the sentence.

"But then…?"

"…but then I saw you walking—or, hopping, around by yourself so I figured no one was home." So he _was_ standing there that long. Well, that was embarrassing. "But that brings me to what I said before… I want to help you get better. Of course if… you'd let me?" he was scratching the back of his head with one hand and pushing up his glasses with the other; it was so much nervousness I could have laughed but suppressed it. He was actually asking my permission to help me. This was too funny. But… I could certainly use him. If he really did feel guilty, he would probably do anything I asked of him. I glanced over at the blond, arms rested on the back of the chair with his chin rested on top of them, looking somewhere near my chest area, probably avoiding looking at me head on. I decided to test this.

"Uh," I brought my hand up to my throat and that immediately got his attention, he looked right into my eyes, his eyebrows rising a little in concern, "my throats a little dry…"

He immediately stood up and rushed out of the room, I didn't even have time to blink before he was back with a glass of water.

"Oh." I pretended to sound surprised as I took the glass from him, "thank you Shizu-chan." My face slowly broke out into a smug grin. _Gotcha_.

If he would do something as simple as getting me a glass of water with such enthusiasm, imagine all of the other things I could use him for! This was going to be fun.

"Well… I guess I wouldn't be opposed to you helping me." I took up in time to see his body completely relax in what looked like relief. He let out a long sigh and pushed his glasses up again before standing and pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. Before he could even step away, I grabbed the pack out of his hands, leaving him stunned. "But, you can't smoke these around me. It's disgusting. You really shou—"

"Keep them." My eyebrows rose in surprise as he stared seriously down at me.

"…what?"

"I was thinking about quitting… thought it was a stupid idea, but I guess you just gave me a reason to. So, keep them, smash them, throw them away; I don't care." He turned to continue walking out of the room, stuffing his hands into his pockets.

"Where are you doing without these?" I asked, raising the pack and giving them a little shake.

"I guess to get some fresh air. There's too much _flea_ in here." I chuckled and watched him leave the room, a weird sensation falling over me once I was alone; something I couldn't name or quite put my finger on. Either way, I didn't like it one bit. I looked down at the semi-crushed pack of cigarettes and suddenly felt like chucking them across the room.

Either this morphine was _really_ good, or I was going crazy.

* * *

**Please review! Would love some feedback.**


	6. hey dudes

hey guys. a lot has been going on lately and i've decided to take a (short) break from writing. im trying to deal with moving and my dog and bills and gah a list of more stressful things and i really don't want to add updating to that list so i'm gonna take a little break.

also, either my laptop won't recognize my charger or my charger has crapped out on me so that hunk of junk is currently out of commission and i'll probably be using my boyfriends hunk of junk from now on and i already started the next chapter and its on my laptop sooooo thats lost... but it wasn't too long and can easily be re-written so no worries on that.

you guys don't have to worry about me abandoning this fic completely because that is not happening. i think about this fic soo freakin much haha so no worries. i just need to get some shit done and sew some pieces of my life that had decided to crumble back together and sew a few more pieces on and BAM ill be back in action.

but thanks you guys for being awesome and reviewing and liking and what not. ill be back soon, maybe with multiple chapters?

we'll see. bye for now!


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